EXPRESS. Don't REpress.

I'd like to apologize for being AWOL for the past few months. I would always tell myself, "Seriously, just freakin' write!"

Since I last posted a blog, things got progressively worse, unfortunately. It would've helped to share, but sometimes you just gotta deal. In my case, an INTERNAL battle.

However! And there IS a however... this month has been a good one. A blessing from God. It's not because it was the holidays (which I hope everyone had a great one), but I was genuinely happy. It's been such a long time, but it was nice to remember the feeling. I finally had time. Time just for ME. (Note to readers: It is crucial to have "ME" time. Don't forget.) I had time to work on my screenplays, DANCE <3, Grown & Sexy nights with my girls, and most importantly, time with family. It's been good.

So you ask, "How do I start my year off right?" Good question. Just from experience, avoid the poisonous things, people, etc., that made your year crap you know? For example, EX OUT THE EXES! Meaning, don't go running to old flings, boy/girlfriends, hoping that a new year will bring a new and improved relationship... it won't. I mean it.

Self-control.

Ring in the New Year with family, friends, and a NEW outlook. You WANT the year to be a good one correct? Then know that if you work hard, 2009 will bring a new and improved YOU. Don't get discouraged. Just keep truckin'.

So anyway, aside from my usual "lose the impossible 15 pounds" or "BE ORGANIZED," which I normally fail to accomplish, I've added writing and blogging and "what have yous" that go along with it to the list. SO I'll be around. I shall do my best at least!

2009 is OUR year.

...Express don't repress...

In case I don't hear from you...

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

YOURS TRULY <3333

No good.

Rummaging.

Don't do it.

Inevitably, you will find something that reminds you of a time in your life that you would rather FORGET. In my case, a REGRET. And regrets are no good.

My ONE regret that eats away through my thick skin. I think a lot of us do our best to understand that things happen for a reason right? I know that. But that one thing... person ...haunts and taunts. This super vague image of someone who existed, so so long ago.

My own Pandora's Box. Literally... opened.

What sucks is that I knew. I had that "Uh Oh" feeling even before, that if I opened THIS box, there would be something that would pop out and say, "Remember me?"

Curiosity got the best of me. For sure.

Now here I am, confused and regretful of a decision that was made selfishly, YEARS ago, that changed my life. How I learned the hard way that a simple, "I'm sorry," won't ever make up for the damage. What goes around comes back around. I hate KARMA.

So would things have turned out better for me? Who knows.

I just want to forget my one regret.



(I changed the date of this blog to go along with this day since it just passed. I just wanted to say, Happy Birthday to YOU, wherever you are. I hope you're well and happy)

Where am I these days???

I'm sorry for neglecting my blog. I've been rolling around in a rut lately.  There are a lot of reasons why. I just can't seem to snap out of it!

I keep trying to make sense out of things for no reason. I think TOO much. Get my hopes up TOO high, aware that things never go the way I want.

"Rejection." 

Rejection is like a person. The person you love to hate. The one who always wins and laughs at the losers.

It's funny because we learn so much from being rejected. As sad as it sounds, it's very true. It makes us determined and it reminds us that we have to strive and work that much harder than the person next to you who wants the same thing.

Hmmm...

I don't know. I'm just ranting. I'll definitely keep everyone posted.

How embarrassing...

So I don't know why I let these kinds of things happen to me. Ugh.

If you haven't read my previous blog about McGorgeous, then you must do so before reading this one.

I could honestly say, tonight was easily a classic "most embarrassing" moment of my life, but a huge amusement to my friends so I guess I don't mind so much. If you guys get a kick out of it, then I'm all for it.

Anyway, so after an amazing show at the Shoreline with HEART & JOURNEY (seriously AMAZING), my girls and I wanted to grub and drink... some more. We headed over to T.G.I.F for some AMFs and Mojitos (yum right?), and the hostess sat us conveniently at the window.

At this point, it was only my friend and I waiting for two other friends. We were just sitting, talking about the usual girl stuff, and who do I see walking on the other side of that window? Oh yes, you guessed right... McGorgeous. I'm sitting there, apprehensive, we have our moment, heart skipping...

Cue cheesy music again! "Dream weaver..." You get the point.

Really though?

"Out of all the gin joints, in all the towns, in all the world, [he] had to walk into mine..." (Casablanca 1942. If you didn't know. Watch it).

So there he is (God knows his name). At the bar. Looking "easy on the eyes," as always.

I start sweating again.

F*ck.

This is when the other two girls join us. We're eating and enjoying our calorie-loaded food, and he gets up to leave with his friends. I let my ladies in on the story, then out of nowhere he passes by, knocks on the window where we were sitting, smiles, and waves to me.

I've never spoken to this guy in my life! We only have our moments in class. But nothing more.

So what do I do? NOTHING. Ugh. Stupid me.

All these thoughts were processing. "Is he waving to me? Oh geez he's beautiful. Wait... Is he waving to the person behind me? I'll look stupid if I wave." Can you imagine all these thoughts in the shortest period of time possible? So I gave him this smug look out of stun and confusion.

Why?!?! Everyone was looking at me like, "Ummm... Crystal, do something!"

But I didn't do anything! I'm having flashbacks. Weird instant replay moments.

Grrr I'll just bury my face in my laptop during class, hoping that he might have been too intoxicated to remember.

=/

Yuuup, only me.

The Feminine Mystique

Betty Friedman writes:

"When she stopped conforming to the conventional picture of femininity, she finally began to enjoy being a woman."

"The only way for a woman, to find herself, to know herself as a person, is by creative work of her own. There is no other way."

I was instantly inspired by these quotes. The Feminine Mystique written by Betty Friedman in the early 1960's, was one of the most controversial publications in history. She took on the issues of women's roles in society and the reasons for their unhappiness.  She came to the conclusion that women were unhappy due to the idealized image of femininity, which hindered the growth of personal identity.

Honestly, let's just do what we need to do and do it better than anyone else. We have the power, the resources, and the ability to do so. We just happen to do things wearing a bra. What's so bad about that? 

=)

I'm determined though. Are you?

Inspire. Express. Create. Innovate.

Let's take over the world.

FeMystique 2009. 

Don't question authority.

Lovin' it

Haha

Sorry I just want to bask in this moment real quick. Ok ladies, you know how we're always self-conscious and wondering why we're not as  pretty as "so and so" or why we're not thin blah blah. But sometimes, doesn't it feel REALLY good to just not care?

I woke up this morning and just felt wonderful. I did my morning routine. Got up, washed my face, brushed my teeth. Then I stared at myself in the mirror, smiled, and thought, "Wow, I love myself." Then I went to go grab some Cocoa Pebbles and watched Cartoon Network. Nothing is sexier than a girl who feels good about herself scrubbed out in a baggy shirt, some boy shorts, and hair all over the place. When you're looking your worst, and you feel your best, it shows.

So I wanted to share this moment with you to let you know that it is okay to say "I'm one bad ass chick," and let the world know about it. A confidence boost is needed once in awhile. We deserve it. We are all unique and unique is beautiful. 

Get it girls.

Let's party. 

=)

Eyegasm!

This is wonderful.

So you're sitting quietly in class wondering what you're gonna eat for lunch right?

"Okay maybe I should get Togo's. No wait. I want Quickly's. Hmmm no that's fattening..."

For some reason, you snap out of it and a force field starts pulling your head towards the door, and in he comes.

(Note: For any of you Grey's Anatomy fans, you know what I mean when I say McDreamy or McSteamy. Yah... this guys is McGORGEOUS. No joke.)

Wind blowing. Slow motion.

Cue cheesy music. "Dream weaver...I believe we can reach the morning light..."

AH haha

ME: Oooo... girl.

Rox: What?

ME: Uhhh... hello

Rox: (She laughs) shut up

ME: *sigh* Wait... I think I know him

Rox: Really?

ME: (I laugh.out.loud) I think we used to work together at Chili's

Rox: Nice.

I exchange smiles with him

*Awkward turtle*

ME: I think I'm sweating...

F*ck.

"Sweetbitter." My new word. Yay me!

Many things in life aren't easy, and we're either optimistic about it or not. Let's be honest though. Majority of the time, we're not satisfied with the cards that are dealt. It's a constant battle and it's draining. We take all the punches and the low blows, but we come out of it alive. Bloody and bruised... but alive.

Bittersweet. 

My good friend once said, "I hate how it's bitter first because the taste seems to last longer..."

I let it sink and thought about it for a moment. Probably one of the toughest things you can do is try to forget. It hits so hard, that it takes your breath away. How do you forget a moment like that? If by any chance you have a memory eraser (Ref: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind--Totally brill movie by the way), or if you get amnesia, then... you're cured! Lucky you! 

Other than that, it's pretty much... impossible. You can't forget a face. Nor feelings and emotions that you once felt. The slightest thing-- a name, a dream, a smell, thoughts-- can trigger a memory or a sense, and it comes rushing back, haunting and taunting. Sadly, we just become numb and cold. 

Honestly, it doesn't have to be this way. No, it probably won't ever go away, nor should you want it to. My ex-boyfriend and I were together for almost 4 years. Would've married the guy, but things went sour. I was left in a world of hurt for what felt like an eternity. But shit happens and we move on to be better people in return.

So we should cherish these moments of clarity. These "sweetbitter" moments, if you will. Sounds stupid, but I don't care! Makes perfect sense to me. When you learn from the bittersweet moments in life, you begin to recognize the emotion associated with certain situations. You learn to take it in with ease, and you handle yourself with grace and maturity. God forbid you also smile at the situation. Just know that next time around, the sweet taste will last so much longer, and the bitterness will simply... wash away.

Live and learn.

Round and round we go.

... Like a carousel. At some point, it comes to a full stop. The cycle comes full circle, and you're forced to take a closer look into the past. You look over all the new prospects, the "what-ifs and what-could've-beens," and even old flames. Have you ever thought about how many types of guys have come and gone in your life? This is my take on the "Male Taxonomy." (Note: This is for entertainment purposes)

I want to start with Needy Ned who just never really got it. No matter how honest or upfront, he just brushed it off. You get a response that may sound like, "I'm sorry you feel that way... So how about dinner sometime?" There's a difference between being persistent and being obnoxious.  Relax. But you could have someone like Nice Guy Nick to change perspective. He's sweet and endearing, and very cordial in his invitations, but... well he's TOO sweet. Borderline boring sometimes, and so close to the "friend zone," might of as well just call him "Bro." This is unfortunate if he's really into you. Just make sure he doesn't turn into a Ned.

Now, you may have also encountered the Prince Charming Charlie type of guy. Okay. I'm sure we've come across many. Charlie makes you giggle like a school girl. Sickening right? Beyond gorgeous, knee weakening, flirty. But you get that feeling in the pit of your stomach, and a red flag comes up. Then you find yourself with a Lusty Leo kind of guy who is an evolved form of Charlie. Can you imagine? Not only is he all of the above, but Leo is PURE bad boy, and you like it. You're instantly intrigued. He's dangerous. You're curious. It happens ladies. Just remember, it's okay to look, but touch at your own discretion. 

As you go about life, you're more in touch with who you are. You learn what you want and what you don't want, and what you're deserving of. Then one day, you meet "Mr. Right Now" Ricky. Ricky is great. You guys have fun with each other, you have a lot in common, but you just know that he's not the one you imagine yourself ending up with. "Ricky, it's not you, it's me. I'm sorry." 

Now you struggle with the question, "am I ever going to find HIM?" and you go back and forth with yourself, wondering what is wrong with you, and you give up the search. Then, by some miracle, you meet Perfect Peter. Peter is everything you want. Handsome, funny, understanding, friendly, the list goes on. It was as if you dreamt him up in your head, and *poof* he's right there. So you invest. You give it all up.  You wait... and wait... Days pass, weeks, and months. The conclusion... absolutely nothing. "Did I do something wrong?" Not at all.  "He's just not that into you."

Come on! Really? So now you find yourself here at these cross roads, overwhelmed with all sorts of emotions, wondering why the tables have turned. No, not karma. Just a Sick Cycle Carousel. One day, it will come full circle at some point, and you're forced to take a closer look. This time, at yourself.

Thanks for letting me share.

 

To my ladies...

I remembered this quote from an episode of "Sex and the City," which in my opinion, holds the key to female survival. Carrie says, "Maybe some women aren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they just need to run free until they find someone just as wild to run with them." We learn from the inevitability of heartbreaks, confusion, rejection, etc., and anyone who's been through any tough relationship can relate. We've all been there and done that. 

Life is all about learning and growing. Even when we make the same mistakes over and over again... it's okay. Some people may be indifferent about this... but to me, it matters. To all the "untamed," "fast girls" out there. No, we're not sluts. No, we're not spinsters. We're just looking for someone who can keep up. What's so bad about that? Just remember to do what you do best. 

Be fierce. Be fabulous. Be beautiful. Be a woman.

Silly Notions.

There's no such thing as a silly notion. 

If it's silly/crazy, or nearly impossible... awesome. Makes for a better time. The beautiful thing about life is that we get to dream big and take a shot at it. Make you or break you... Sinatra says it best, "That's Life."

Be proactive and create silly notions!

Write out your life goals. Whatever comes to mind,  blog it or put it on a sticky note. Remind yourself that life is too short. Don't waste anymore of your precious time being bored. 

DO SOMETHING! 

Misogynistic bastard.

This cartoon reminded me about what happened today. I'll spare you the details. I'm just seriously errked.  

Times are changing though...

Watch out boys!

Here we come.

"no-STAL-jic"

Nostalgic [no-STAL-jic] by definition is: 

"a wistful desire to return in thought or in fact to a former time in one's life; a sentimental yearning for the happiness of a former place or time."

A new addition to my vocabulary and a useful/thought provoking addition it is. I've give thought to a lot of things I've been through over the years. Many of those moments, I'd rather not revisit, but some I just wish I could go back to. Ya... okay. I CAN'T do that. But in my current situation, it's a motivational tool to say, "Hey, next time, do things differently."

Bittersweet.

Bottled Up then Poured Out

Rejection + Alcohol = POETRY

Forgive me, but I was intoxicated when I wrote this. Although... there was a lot of truth in this and I poured it out for the world to see. Enjoy.

Better say too much...

...Than to not say enough

Because when you love hard. You fall hard.

To feel is a right, and I have a right.

Been pursued. Been burned.

By LOVE.

Given endlessly to me and from me.

Been done wrong. Been doing wrong.

Been fooled. Been A fool.

Still I say what I need to say.

When you say what you want to say.

While your words dig deep,

Mine stay afloat.

So shallow. Out of sight. Out of mind.

Gone unnoticed. Been misunderstood.

Been needed...

Judged and Unwanted.

"Baby what you see is what you get."

Not sorry that I love hard. 

With you, I FELL HARD.

So let it be what it's made to be.

Put on this world for one reason.